Jeremy Clarkson’s National Grovel Service

Clarkson basically wants Britain to run a national chain‑email pyramid scheme where people on benefits must send weekly gratitude updates to random strangers, turning Universal Credit into the world’s saddest newsletter.

I should say first that he was aiming this at young people he imagines are sitting at home doing nothing — which is adorable, considering most people on benefits are either working, caring for someone, or desperately trying to survive our economy.

But he wrote it as a blanket rule applying to everyone whose benefits are paid — even though he was clearly aiming it at the imaginary young people he thinks are sitting at home doing nothing.

That includes more than thirteen million pensioners, millions of people who receive benefits while working — who might end up being ordered to thank another benefit claimant — and me.

I receive PIP, and that money goes towards my Motability wheelchair I use to travel — so under his blanket rule, I’d apparently have to send weekly thank‑you emails for the privilege of getting myself out and about.

It is not a free wheelchair, and it’s not even my wheelchair—I exchange the mobility component of my PIP to lease it.

The wheelchair takes a lot, which is awkward, because that same payment is also meant to cover the additional costs of being disabled — including a wheelchair that’s actually usable.

Those programmes have helped thousands of people overcome anxiety, return to their lives and, in many cases, return to work.

It is funny how public support and clever tax arrangements are treated as perfectly respectable when they benefit wealthy people, yet when a disabled person receives help to leave the house, go to work and participate in society, he thinks they should be made to perform gratitude.

So thank you for your concern, Jezza — truly touching stuff.

So let me get this straight: pensioners, disabled workers, carers and half the country are meant to send weekly thank‑you notes, but MPs get to claim a duck house and call it ‘essential’.

Imagine thinking disabled people should perform gratitude for going to work while billionaires get tax relief for owning a yacht.

So I’d be thanking someone who also gets benefits, who’d be thanking someone else who gets benefits, until eventually we’re all just emailing each other like a national chain letter.

Clarkson obviously wants Britain to become LinkedIn, but for poverty.