If you’re jealous of a Motability car, then be honest with yourself: you’re not coveting the vehicle, you’re throwing a full‑body tantrum because disabled people get the accommodations that stop them being trapped indoors — so if you want the car, take the pain, the fatigue, the hospital bingo card and the mobility aids too, because what you really despise isn’t the scheme, it’s the scandalous notion of disabled people having freedom, and that makes you look less like a taxpayer and more like a Victorian landlord.
…and if you’re still stamping your feet about disabled people getting a car they literally need to leave the house, then do go ahead and complete the look: pop on your top hat, grab your monocle, and announce to the nation that you believe mobility aids are ‘unfair advantages,’ because at that point you’re not critiquing policy — you’re auditioning for the role of Victorian Moral Inspector, policing who’s allowed outside and who should remain indoors for the comfort of your delicate sensibilities.
Once you’ve finished lecturing disabled people about the ‘luxury’ of being able to leave their own front door, you can complete your transformation by drafting a stern pamphlet titled ‘Mobility: A Perk Too Far’, in which you bravely argue that ramps are clearly society’s slippery slope into moral decay, because nothing frightens you more than the idea of someone with chronic pain getting to Tesco without your permission.
…and once you’ve finished drafting your pamphlet about how ramps are clearly society’s downfall, you can hold a public meeting where you bravely propose that disabled people should apply for ‘permission to exist outdoors,’ complete with a committee, a clipboard, and a man called Barry who decides whether someone’s chronic pain is ‘sufficiently inconvenient’ to warrant leaving the house — because at this point you’re not critiquing benefits, you’re running a one‑person nostalgia festival for the era when compassion was considered a dangerous modern invention.
After your public meeting about ‘permission slips for disabled outdoor time,’ you can round off your crusade by launching a nationwide campaign demanding that wheelchairs come with hazard lights so you can be warned in advance when someone with chronic pain is about to commit the outrageous act of entering a public space — because at this point you’re not debating policy, you’re essentially running a heritage project dedicated to preserving the ancient tradition of making life harder for people who already have enough on their plate.
From Barry insisting disabled people should file outdoor‑permission slips, to Sharon thinking Motability cars are handed out with flu jabs, to Colin claiming his one sore back in 2014 entitles him to a free vehicle, to Maureen warning that ramps will trigger societal collapse, to Darren diagnosing a conspiracy because his neighbour’s car looks nicer, to Linda declaring disabled people should be grateful for the privilege of existing in public, to Geoff reminiscing about the good old days of endless stairs, to Kyle basing his outrage on a meme, to Trish reporting seaside trips as evidence of corruption, all the way to the lone sensible commenter pointing out that being jealous of someone’s mobility aid is unhinged — the chorus proves the same thing: people aren’t angry about cars, they’re angry that disabled people dare to have freedom.
From the people who sneer that disabled people ‘get everything handed to them,’ to the geniuses who insist Motability cars are ‘basically free,’ to the keyboard warriors claiming chronic pain is ‘just laziness,’ to the Facebook philosophers announcing that mobility aids are ‘special treatment,’ to the bloke who says disabled people should ‘be grateful they’re allowed out,’ to the neighbour who reports seaside trips like they’re tax fraud, to the woman who thinks ramps are ‘encouraging dependency,’ to the man who believes hospital appointments are ‘holidays,’ all the way to the loudest complainers who genuinely think disabled people having independence is an insult to them personally — the nasty comments always reveal the same thing: they’re not angry about benefits, they’re angry that disabled people dare to exist with dignity.
People are jealous of disabled people because they’ve convinced themselves that mobility aids are basically VIP passes, hospital appointments are spa days, Motability cars are luxury company vehicles, blue badges are golden tickets to Narnia, and ramps are evidence that disabled people are living some kind of high‑life while everyone else suffers — which is wild, because if they spent five minutes in an actual disabled body, they’d be begging for the return policy before you could say ‘accessible parking.
THE MONTHLY MOSQUITO 